Don’t kid around

You might remember that many moons ago I had a dalliance with a cute single mother named Escargot. When I first got divorced I was a little apprehensive about jumping into the dating pool at all, let alone dating someone with a child. But if anyone could do it, it probably would be me, my ex-MIL would often grin when my ex-wife would say my biological clock was ticking. Children love me, it’s a gift and a curse-mostly a gift.

I had my own issues with Escargot besides her being a single mother, but one memory (besides my mouth being violated by a snail against my free will) stands out to me. When I picked her up for our third and ultimately final date, she was dropping off her son at her father’s house. I asked her if she needed any help and she warded me away. She grabbed her kid (who stared at me) and walked him to her dad’s front door. No introductions. She didn’t think it was appropriate for me to be meeting him that early in our budding relationship. Maybe she knew she was going to violate my mouth (in a bad way) later.

Or maybe, just maybe, the one sane bone in her body, (probably the pinky, she wasn’t *that* sane) realized “hey it’s way too early for you to meet my son”, and that the kid needed stability. So the kid looked at me perplexed as his mother pulled him to his grandfather’s house and we never ended up meeting. Her theory about waiting for men to meet her son might have been the only sane thing about her, when I piece it all together Memento temporary tattoo style.

Fast forward to the future. I’m contacted by a cute girl on okcupid, and we go on a date. She has the same name as my ex, is vegetarian, and used to be married to a guy of the same ethnicity as myself, and was married and then got divorced around the same time as me too. It was eery how similar she was to my ex: we went on our first date and held hands when at the end of our first date I found a difference. She had conveniently hid the fact that she had a child from me. Oh…well, about that.

We went on a second date, and things dropped off. I made my effort, she didn’t, and I lost interest. Out of the blue, she texts me and asks me out on a third date, to go for a walk or dinner. I chose the walk. She wants to pick me up and she arrives and as I am hopping into the car I notice the car seat is full. With baby.

No matter how adorable they are, no one wants a third wheel on a date. No one should bring a kid on a date, especially not ambush style. And I love kids, I held him, I fed him, I talked him down through fits 4 through 9 in the car…but for my relationship with his mother, I felt it was the death knell.

Was it a test? Was she nuts? Am I doomed to be the crazy magnet forever? Should I give up single mothers forever?

Your thoughts?

Getting out of the right side of the bed.

Haven’t been on a date in a week, and figured I would post a comment that I posted on another blog belonging to Twitter’s @JustMeWith

For my entire life, I slept on the left side of the bed. My entire life. When I got married I took the left side again. I had always slept on that side no reason to change now. My then-wife said to me, “I want the left side.” I told her she could have it, but she decided to keep the right side of the bed instead, she had grown accustomed to it.

When she left me, I was devastated. I didn’t know what to do. What I did right away? I moved to her side of the bed. Why? Because when I woke up in the morning I didn’t see her when I woke up or to look for her. I was on her side of the bed…one of the most comforting things in the world when I was married was to look to my left and see her. It’s one of the memories most etched into my brain. With it lost, I decided to create new memories. Now I have a new side of the bed.

What did you do when you split with your ex? Keep your side of the bed? Change your side of the bed? Set the bed on fire and sleep on the couch?

The weirdest things women have lied about

This post goes out to all my female friends who can’t stop running into these ridiculous liars. One friend told me that she was on a dating site and this French, divorced man contacted her. He looked good in his pictures so she agreed to meet him.

When they got together, he had less hair, and more around the middle. My friend being the sweetheart that she is, gives him a chance anyway.

They get to talking and he admits he’s not French. He’s Moroccan. Moroccan? Mo-roccan the lies. Am I right? Sorry for the terrible joke. (I’m not sorry.)

So he’s Moroccan but he at least speaks French…right? Wrong. Just kidding, Il parle français. So at least he had that going for him. Why say he was French you ask? He said he was French because he didn’t want women to know he was Muslim.

Well that’s not so bad, she understands that some guys lie because they’re afraid of rejection and women lie all the time, so why not continue to talk to him…except he says “you know how I said I was divorced…” and she thinks “you’ve got to be kidding me!”

“Well my wife and I are divorced, but not legally, you see as a Muslim I just have to say ‘I divorce you’ three times and we’re divorced! Nice deal, right? But we still live together and share a bed!”

Check please. My stories are a bit different but sometimes as humorous…(if you can’t laugh, you can’t survive the dating world.) The first date I went on after I got divorced the woman said she was 5’7 but she was more like 5’9. She towered over me. Why lie about your height? Maybe she was hoping to cast a wider net but I had never expected a woman to lie about her height to me. She was the first of three women to lie about their height. The second lied by about three inches (and about 100 pounds, but I digress) and the third lied by two inches. What is that all about? It seems like the least likely thing to lie about. I expect men to lie to make themselves look more appeal-able. But why say you’re shorter than you are? Because you think men want a petite girl?

The second lie to me was a woman who lied about children. Really? Lying about no children? That one truly baffled me. It turned out she didn’t have biological children but had basically adopted her drug-user sister’s daughter to make sure she was raised properly. That part was commendable. Lying wasn’t. You see, nothing starts off a conversation better than “so you know how I said I didn’t have children yet?”

I’ve had women lie about their weight, their jobs, their marital status, etc.  The only common lie was this one: “I’m over my ex” but I should have realized that based on the fact that everyday something came up with her about him.

That’s the most important lie to ignore in the future. Don’t pay attention to the lie, pay attention to what else is said and how she acts. She might not even realize she’s lying.

Which weird lies have you experienced?

 

Engines, start your gentlemen.

My previous post was about going out with a woman who I dubbed Ms. Raised By Wolves.

To be honest, I think wolves are honorable animals, so maybe some wolf reader will soon be learning how to use the internet to fire off a nasty-gram. Thank God they don’t have opposable thumbs, otherwise the comments section would get “done blown up.”

I’ve read countless articles about how men need to be gentlemen again, that the art has been lost.

But today’s entry is about why the art has been lost to most men and my theories behind it.

For me, I think that one of the biggest reasons why men aren’t gentlemen anymore is because they don’t see any value in being gentlemen. This is a issue that is two-fold: men aren’t appreciated for being gentlemen anymore, and they’re also not finding women worthy of  having a gentleman.  Some of them are still gentlemen around their friends, mothers, relatives, etc. But they don’t see the value in being a gentleman to women. Because the princess fantasy seems to have died in the current dating market and men realize it.

The princess fantasy involves a Prince Charming, a guy who sweeps a woman off of her feet with impeccable grooming, manners and credit history.

It’s been fueled in part by the fairytale of living happily ever after but in this generation it’s built on the dreams of many a woman to have that role in many a chick flick-of the under-appreciated girl who snags a guy who is as sweet as he is hunky.

But the new fantasy is another creation of Hollywood. Reforming the bad boy into a good guy. He’s sweet on the inside? What, is he made of strawberry jam? FFS.*

*Look it up.

Scene:

Girl 1: “Oh my god, all I seem to date are assholes. And he’s not even filled with strawberry jam”

Girl 2: “Isn’t that the worst? All I find are the ones who taste like chalk.”

End Scene.

You can tell that I’ve been wondering on this subject quite a bit-the second issue is more complex. While we’ve already talked about the reason why men aren’t gentlemen because they don’t think it’s what women want, there’s a big elephant in the room. I don’t think men by in large believe women deserve gentlemen anymore. A gentleman deserves a lady and in this day and age, those ladies are significantly rarer than you think.

When I go to the mall and open the door and hold it open for the people that pass, I find significantly more men than women saying thank you or at least acknowledging my presence. It’s not even dependent on age, plenty of older women walk through the door as if it opened magically. You’d be surprised at the number of women don’t say thank you, wait, maybe you wouldn’t be.

Women want equality and it seems a fair number still want the man to pay, and they also want the sexual revolution and have one night stands. Women, you might want a gentleman but you don’t deserve one unless you are a lady. Be someone worth wooing. Otherwise it seems like you want your cake and to eat it too. You want a guy to respect you, be someone worth respecting. Leave the one night stands in the past: (sorry fellow men) and move forward.

I’m a gentlemen just for the hell of it. There’s no quid pro quo behind it. But ask yourself why would a man settle for you? A prince you say? He deserves a princess and not today’s diva-like perception of a princess. A lady, one who uses good manners and is polite. She’ll be appreciated by those of us who are gentlemen, I promise.

 

You can’t always get what you want

With apologies to the Rolling Stones, and apologies to you for my long absence. I met someone special and we had something special for a while. It didn’t last so I am back in black (with apologies to AC/DC) – anyway, I’ve been noticing the Universe works in some mysterious ways.

It seems like we’re getting paired off with people who don’t appreciate us…they appreciate the outer shells and that’s where the first connection is made. But it’s like a superstar sniper who plays no defense in the NHL joining a team that plays the trap. Your strengths aren’t playing to their system. Maybe that went over the heads of some people. And Phil Kessel.

Ok, I digress. Some women want a gentleman, some women want a jerk. I’ve had friends who lamented to me on separate occasions that “he doesn’t get that I don’t want him to open the door for me” and the polar opposite “he lives in a world where being polite is a sin, would it kill him to use please and thank you and maybe a utensil?”

I’m a gentleman and pride myself on it. I open doors, chew with my mouth closed, use pleases and thank yous, etc. I also usually pay for the first few dates…the last girl I recently went on dates with didn’t seem to think much of my manners since she didn’t have many of her own. Ms. Raised By Wolves didn’t say thank you, or please, or even offer in that way I find endearing. You know when women half pull out the wallet? You know they don’t want to pay but you applaud the cuteness of the gesture. I like that.

I don’t mind women that expect me to pay, I don’t necessarily *agree* with it but I don’t mind it either, especially on the first few dates. I need to show that I can be a provider, I can be fun, etc.

But I absolutely, positively, hate women that can’t show gratitude. I don’t think she had thank you in her vocabulary, to be honest.

And that bothers me. So even though she’s beautiful, smart, educated, career-oriented…I’ve discovered another deal-breaker. Gratitude and manners.

So, the gentleman got paired with the woman with no appreciation for manners. Strength unappreciated. On to the next one. Next I’ll date a woman who doesn’t appreciate delicious Indian food…wait did that…that reminds me. Another entry on the way.

Maybe we all need to revise our dealbreakers.

Where have all the honest cowgirls gone?

With apologies to Paula Cole for pillaging, looting, and burning her song in effigy, I just had about the most awkward date of my life this past weekend.

I’m getting closer and closer to re-naming eHarmony Fat-e-harmony. Of the women I’ve met on eH, not a single one was in shape, and only one had accurate pictures: she wasn’t fat but had a little extra. Does that make me superficial? I guess it does.

But what keeps driving me nuts is the number of women that are lying in their profiles…I guess it’s a big part of the process…but these women are lying with their pictures to an obscene degree. An eHarmony customer service agent talked with me and mentioned that I should ask the women if their pictures are recent. Really? I need to ask them that? I shouldn’t have to, and if I do that they’re not going to be thrilled with me thinking that 1)they’re a liar and 2)that I’m a paranoid asshole. Nice advice.

On to my spectacularly awkward date. I had talked to this woman on eHarmony a few months ago but irritated with the matches and the responses and the scores of liars I canceled my membership.

 

They lured me back in with a great deal so I signed up again and she started talking to me right away. The issue with her account was that she only had one picture, she was sitting, and she was wearing a jacket. I couldn’t really figure out what her body type was. But I figured, it was worth the risk of an hour long first date.

Eventually she asked me out (welcome change) and wanted to grab coffee. We met up at a local mall and she was very late, about 30 minutes late. She eventually emailed to tell me she was stuck in traffic. So I waited patiently, tweeting the afternoon away and people watching in the food court.

Eventually she showed up outside, looking for me. I’ve been raised to be a gentleman, so there was no way I was going to disappear into the night or give her a lame excuse. She took a long drive to meet with me. But I knew at that very moment, that we weren’t going to go out again. She looked a little like her picture facially, but she weighed about twice my current weight.

There are probably no men who go into a date and when the woman is so different (in a bad way) from how she has represented herself…enjoy the surprise they’ve been given. Surprise, she’s prettier? Still hasn’t happened to me. The most pleasant surprise was a girl from okcupid looking just like her pictures, no joke.

I walked outside and introduced myself to her and we walked around the mall somewhat aimlessly. I didn’t know how to motivate myself, but I suggested we find the coffee stand since the Coffee Bean had closed.

Although she was big I tried to keep an open mind about the situation I found myself in. We talked and it seemed more and more like we had nothing in common. We liked the same types of music, but that’s where it ended. She was geographically-intolerant, even with a GPS she can’t find her way anywhere without “missing the exit about three times.”

And when talking about doing physical activity she blanched like the idea repulsed her. Good, this 29 degrees totally matched us well.

Finally (and for the first time in my life) I ended the date mercifully by saying I needed to do something. We awkwardly hugged and I made no mention of seeing each other again. No need for mixed signals here. I immediately emailed her to tell her that I didn’t feel a connection and didn’t expand upon it. Should I have expanded on it and been truthful? I feel like nothing would have been gained by hurting her feelings by calling her a liar or telling her she was too large for me. So I said nothing. But was it for me to tell her what she was doing wrong? I get what she was trying to do: she wanted a guy like me but she wanted to have me look past her looks. But the way for her to do it? Be completely upfront about who you are and what you look like. You catch more flies with honest fat pictures than with vinegar fake skinny pictures (or vinegar pictures that don’t show the real you)? Something like that anyway. My best female friend puts pictures of herself that aren’t her best but pictures of her doing things she loves to do. To show off her personality.

Lesson learned: no more going out with women with only 1 picture. That’s added to the rulebook.

Where have all the honest cowgirls gone? Off the internet, apparently. Would I have gone out with her if I had known how big she was? I wouldn’t have. I’m a superficial jerk. But I’m at least an honest superficial jerk.

 

 

 

 

 

 

How to break things off with someone in the digital age

It seems like the digital age should have made things easier, and it has in some ways. But it has also made things easier in a bad way: it’s made it easier for cowards to break things off to avoid confrontation.

Speaking from personal experience, I think texting someone to tell them it’s over is very tacky. But it depends on the situation.

If you’ve gone on one date, and then text that you’re not feeling it: perfectly acceptable. Why do you need to see them in person to break it off? Unnecessary drama and there’s very little to the relationship.

If you’ve gone out a few times, and haven’t had sex, you probably can still get away with texting. But if you’re the girl and you’ve been courted, (and you’ve been lapping up the enjoyment of the guy paying) maybe he deserves the courtesy of a phone call. It doesn’t have to be a long explanation, but let the guy know. If you’re the guy and you’re not feeling it, I still urge you to be a gentleman and call her.

She might be upset and it might be difficult but this is what comes with the territory, you’re telling someone they’re not good enough for you for whatever reason. Stop feeling sorry for yourself and put yourself in their shoes. Tell them politely and as nicely as you can, and leave it at that. Let them have a rebuttal, “I thought things were going so well, etc.” And if they get nasty with you, or impolite, hang up/block/move on.

If you’ve been dating for a few weeks and you’re not exclusive but you’ve spent the night and had sex on more than one occasion (this doesn’t mean one marathon hump-athon) then I think you should tell the person face-to-face. At worst, you should tell them on the phone. Texting is out and too impersonal. You’ve been having sex and been intimate with each other.

But I advise people grow up and avoid taking the easy way out. I had been thinking about ending it with a girl I had been seeing but she had been busy and had been blowing me off that week. I wanted to do it in person if at all. We spend an evening texting back and forth about her neighbor’s bush damaging her yard…and all of a sudden she apologizes for being so hard to get a hold of that week.

First thought, great, she’s mature.

Then she says, this isn’t working for me.

On second thought, wait, what isn’t working for you? Us?

She replied in the affirmative.

I was so baffled that 1) an adult would end things so oddly 2) so immaturely 3) and last but not least, without any conviction.

If you’re going to be ending a budding relationship with someone via text shouldn’t you be really clear? Why waste their time with hours of inane conversation about hockey, and building a legal case against your neighbor and asking for advice? Just get to it in a clear and concise manner. Don’t sandwich it around other talk, it doesn’t soften the blow and will only confuse the person getting dumped.

Suck it up and tell the person like an adult. If you’re not mature enough to tell someone it’s over, you’re not mature enough to be dating. Stick to one night stands to avoid entanglements.