After I got up the nerve to start dating after my divorce, I joined a couple of online dating sites. One, eHarmony, a pay-site, had been politely worming itself inside my brain with it’s insidiously happy commercials. I had already realized I was no good at dating casually, and eHarmony seemed more serious. People were looking for relationships, I wanted a relationship. Sounds like a match made in digital heaven.
The other was a free site called okCupid, a site where several of my friends had found their girlfriends over the years and none had been stabbed or had their apartments set afire.
So with such positive energy floating about my neurons, I decided to sign up for both.
eHarmony took about an eon to sign up for with their insane questionnaire. After it got done though, I finally started sending out my 5 questions to my matches. The way eHarmony works, is once you’re done with their questionnaire, you’re paired with some matches. You pick five questions that you would like your matches to answer, which you can custom tailor to the match. If the lady says she is family-oriented, you can talk about her desire for children to make sure you’re on the same page. Most of the people left me in that first stage of communication but a few moved quickly to the open communication stage.
One, who will be referred to as Hawaii, began to swap messages with me. Hawaii worked in the airline industry. She was bigger than the usual girl I dated, and that didn’t bother me. I just wanted to date someone nice, who wasn’t crazy. At this point, I was desperate to be wanted.
We went on a typical San Diego first date, we grabbed drinks in North Park and then walked through Balboa Park at night. I was traveling the next month and looked forward to seeing her before I flew out.
It was a decent date and we had a good time talking to each other-which is the most important thing for me.
She knew that I was going to Costa Rica, and even though we had gone on only one date, dropped the bombshell on me after a week of texting, that she wanted to come with. She had a free ticket she could use being in the industry.
Right then warning bells went off, and when faced with a crisis I had not yet to experience in my young life, said sure. I didn’t want to hurt her feelings, but I also didn’t see myself thinking this was a splendid idea.
What was a guy to do? I hadn’t yet mastered the art of letting someone down easy, but I think from the moment she asked the question it was a matter of “too much too soon.”
I think of the concept as a breaking point in every relationship, new or old. One person is ready to move to a certain stage in a relationship. The other person isn’t ready for that step, the person that’s ready can’t pull back the offer…and everything goes to crap.
She invited herself along on a trip for 2 in another country for a second date. Too much, too soon. When she realized the enormity of her decision, she tried to pull back.
She texted and told me that our hotel reservation should be changed, to 2 beds, so as to not make her seem easy. It wasn’t something in the words but more in the tone. She threw in some LOLs and hee-hees. The game was afoot: she was trying to use humor with the subtlety of a train. At some point she realized the magnitude of her crazy and tried to scale it back. She asked if the reservation could be changed because she wasn’t “that kind of girl.” But what kind of girl was she, then? She said she’d be ok with sleeping together, but not sex, and she didn’t know if she could trust me or not. What, you trust me enough to venture off to a third world country but not to share your bed? Holy mixed signals Batman.
Too late. She compounded her crazy with more crazy. Once she invited herself along, we were in trouble. Part of it was my fault, for not saying no right off the bat. But when a girl throws herself out there that soon, regardless of what I had said, you can’t put that back in the box.
Eventually she decided to make up a story the day before we were supposed to fly out that she couldn’t go anymore. We ironically saw each other at the airport when I flew out, but that was the last we saw of each other.
Just a classic situation of too much too soon.