Questions you don’t want to get

After the kerfluffle with Hawaii, I backed off eHarmony for a few weeks. But lo and behold, I thought I was out, and the eHarmony communication game pulled me back in. This new girl was the first Asian girl I had ever dated and I was intrigued She was also shorter than me by a good bit, she was under 5 feet so it was interesting even with her wearing heels that I towered over her.

We got together for our first date and everything went well. We had a good time together, and then we made plans to go on a second date to an Italian restaurant in Del Mar.

Everything was going smoothly, we were enjoying ourselves, holding hands under the table, talking up a storm, when she looked into my eyes and gave me some of those “too much too soon” red alerts. This time I raised shields to maximum.

“How many other girls are you dating?”

I took a sip of water and looked back at her. She was smiling, but she wasn’t joking. I was always taught, when dating, you don’t ask how many other people you are seeing. I thought Moses wrote that in the 10 commandments of dating.

I can imagine it going something like this:

Moses: “What’s deodorant”

God: “Trust me, you’re going to be pissed when you find out what people smell like in 3000 years.”

Moses: “What?”

God: “Just do it.”

Anyway, it might not be number 1, but it’s up there. Don’t ask about who else the person is dating. I’m not saying don’t ask questions if you see the guy fidgeting while rubbing his left ring finger and there’s a ring-tan there. But it’s our second date. Back off a little. I know a lot of people want to know that you’re the only one we’re going out with, but let’s dial back on the crazy and not ask.

I composed myself, and replied, “you’re the only one I am dating seriously.” I figured that was fair. We were on a second date, we seemed to like each other. I wasn’t dating anyone else seriously and things were winding down with another girl I had seen a few times.

Then she shot a blast across the bow. “What does seriously mean.”

“It seriously means none of your business, this is our second date. How do you get to decide who else I’m going out with?”

Alright, I wish I had said that. I really do. But I looked at her and said, I’m not dating anyone else that I am interested in seeing for the long term. I’m interested in meeting someone nice and becoming exclusive when we’re both ready for it.

I figured my answer was solid and I stayed calm and cool and collected but inside I was kind of upset.

Should I have been upset? When are you supposed to ask those kinds of questions, and when does it become socially acceptable?

The girl had a myriad of red flags, but this one was the biggest.

What do you think? Was the question out of place?

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4 Responses to Questions you don’t want to get

  1. Laura says:

    I think you handled it the way you should have. It doesn’t seem like the most normal question to ask, but it’s not way out of left field either. It essentially translates to “are you into this, or is it just for fun?” The real tell, though, in is what happened next.

    • I feel that there are better ways of asking if I am into this, than saying, “who else are you dating.” It comes across as needy and paranoid. And too soon. It’s Date #2…it sounds like you want exclusivity.

  2. JJM says:

    I wish you had the first thing too; about it being none of her business. As long as you are honest with people, they can’t hold it against you with any sense of righteousness later. 🙂

    FYI, I’m going to read through as many of these posts as I can and comment, because A) I love reading B) You write interesting material C) I have a lot of free time today.

    So expect a lot of comments from me. 🙂

  3. 1. I totally agree with you…under 5 dates it shouldn’t even be asked…and only after that is it okay to be asked if it’s going to be followed up with something like…I like you so much and want you to stop seeing other dudes.

    2. That being said…I think it depends a lot on how much you like her as to whether or not it’s a big deal. I met “a great love” when I was young (22) and would’ve done all kinds of crazy shit…like saying things like that….getting drunk and saying I love you WAY too soon lol…but he liked me and eventually I grew up…so a lot of “putting up with crazy and not letting it bother you” has to do with whether or not you like the person. If not, it’s a good chance to get out lol.

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