It’s not you, it’s…wait, it IS you.

A lot of the messages I send out on the dating websites go unanswered, but when I get a response I like to make conversation.  But I’m not looking for a friend, and this isn’t just conversation: this is a dating website…the point of this exercise is to find someone to date.

So it always confuses me when I talk with a girl, flirt with her back and forth, and then ask if she would like to meet for drinks or go for a hike, or whichever first date idea you can think of…and she slams on the brakes.

Sometimes they slam on the brakes because they’re not feeling it, and that’s fine. And being a guy I tend to have the opinion that I’ll go out with almost anyone once. I like meeting new people, and the worst case scenario has her lack social skills and freeze up.

Girls are different and I accept that. But this girl I was talking to on okcupid didn’t get the hint. We talked for a while and I asked about getting coffee, then talked about doing a hike.

She kept talking about other things, and changing the subject. Finally she asked if we could have a “friends food exchange” because we had been talking about our gastronomic similarities. We both are mostly vegetarian and like some of the same restaurants.

Wait, when did this become about making friends…I thought this was about making girlfriends and boyfriends…I already have friends…

I was perturbed by this whole friends food exchange. If she only wanted to be friends, I was confused. I told her I wasn’t interested in being friends and came across a little annoyed with her. She said that wanted to be friends first before dating, something about a “slow boil.”

Now I’ve lost interest in her temporarily because it’s something I feel should be in a prospective dater’s profile. Most guys are wary of the Friend Zone, because we all had that experience in high school/college where we tried to friend our crush instead of being upfront with her and got consigned to the friend zone forever. Or we tried to date a girl and she told us she wanted to be friends, but what she really wanted was a guy who she could take advantage of, not a friend.

I know some people like to work that way and be friends with their partner first, I’m not one of them. It’s great if my partner becomes one of my best friends, but I already have friends. And it’s another thing entirely to date someone and find out if we work out better as friends. The first girl I went out with after my divorce, we dated a few times and became friends. We still talk now and then. That’s different than being friends first.

But what worried me the most? Her inability to communicate something so simple to me. She still seems interested in me but that bit really confused me.

So what do you think? Should I be friends with her first? I don’t seem to like that idea much…and I’m not a person who is against being friends with the opposite sex.

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2 Responses to It’s not you, it’s…wait, it IS you.

  1. Maura says:

    I’m a big believer in “you can never have enough friends.” BUT – it’s a dating website for christ’s sake. Isn’t everyone looking for someone to you know…date? I wouldn’t want to be thrown into a friend box starting off, I’d rather get the show on the road and see if this has potential to go somewhere or not.

    Interested to see if you participated in the “friends food exchange”!

    • JJM says:

      What you posted there is right on the money.

      (Mini-rant forthcoming)

      It’s, like Maura posted, a dating website. This isn’t freaking Facebook; people are on these sites to find people to date. If all you’re going to do is look at profiles, not respond to e-mails and essentially use the website as a way to pass a few minutes, then you’re not only wasting your time, you’re wasting everyone else’s time as well. And if you’re too much of a coward (sorry, that’s the word that seems to fit here) to meet people in person and see if you actually like them for who they are, then you also shouldn’t be on the site.

      There. 🙂 Dating websites are for DATING, not playing games or ignoring every request that comes your way out of some misplaced sense of propriety (et cetera).

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