It’s not you, wait it’s you…I rethought it…it’s still you.

So in a previous entry I told you that I had to decide if I wanted to meet this girl who was on a dating site, but wanted to be “friends first.”  We exchanged countless texts, and slowly but surely started to build up a repartee. We didn’t really flirt, but she would text me of her own accord (hint ladies, I find the hard to get thing to be so 17th century) so I kept my interest stoked. I always go into a situation when meeting someone new with the highest amount of optimism. If their pictures aren’t flattering, I assume they’re not photogenic. God knows I’m not the most photogenic guy on the planet so I give them the benefit of the doubt. Ok that’s a lie: I’m gorgeous and I have no bad sides. You can take a picture of me with the flu and I still look unbelievably sexy.

The last two sentences are a lie. Except that I don’t have bad sides, I just don’t have good sides either.

Well back on track: we text back and forth, over and over again but she’s in trouble because she totaled her car in a fender bender. We’re trying to figure out we’ll get to spend time together and finally we settle on this bar in between our houses. She’s fairly late and when she shows I can’t help but be unimpressed in almost every way.

First off, her body type designation was way off. The trickiest thing for women is the desire to claim “curvy” as their body type. Curvy is something that those beautiful women out there with curves have made sure to claim because the stupid world tried to tell them they were fat when :gag: Kate Moss was considered hot.* And I don’t agree with the stupid world. Christina Hendricks on Mad Men is one of the most gorgeous women on the planet. She’s the paragon of femininity. Do you have to look like her to be curvy? Of course not. That’s like saying you have to look like Shaq to be tall. But to be curvy, in my opinion, you have a butt. You have breasts. Rolls around your midsection are not the curves. It doesn’t mean you’ve got to have a flat stomach.  But it can’t be your only curve. And I also prefer your butt-cheeks not be rectangles.

This woman was not curvy. She was full figured and as we sat down with our beers for our “friend” experience, we began to chat. (Ok, a friend experience sounds like something Charlie Sheen would be asking for.) But as disingenuous as she was about her body type, she was as much so about what she wanted. She really didn’t want a friend, she wanted someone to date and as we sat down, I couldn’t feign interest in her. She admitted that she had gone out with some other guys on the site and become friends with them and had even dated one guy before “they” decided to be friends. But she really wasn’t looking for a friend, that was just her “cover story” to protect herself from rejection. It’s like a pre-interview for a job you’re not even sure exists or if you want.

Confused yet? Me too. I hate dating sometimes, doesn’t everyone? But we go through the awkwardness so we can find the person we feel is right for us. And to find someone worthwhile we put ourselves out on the ledge knowing we might get rejected. We take that risk. Women so afraid of that risk that they lie and say they’re looking for friends? One of my biggest turn off groups. Take some risks, it’s sexy. Not give a total stranger your social security number kind of risk. But put yourself out there: I’m already out on the ledge, there’s room for one more.

When she arrived she was late and we ordered beers. She asked for my opinion on what to get (she named some beers she did like so I named a comparable one) and then promptly didn’t listen to my suggestion. She got a beer that she drank maybe half of. As the conversation began at the table, I realized she was trying to feel me out as a potential date, but was still holding back. Eventually I started to incorporate the people around us to truly make it a friend experience. We struck up a conversation with a couple across from us and had a good deep conversation about local food. But it was obvious that she wanted to see if we had some chemistry and this was a pre-date, so as the conversation continued, I ended up talking more with the couple than with her, trying to bring her into it in more of a group conversation than a date. We went our separate ways and I couldn’t help but feel I must have missed something.

Maybe I’m naive and maybe when I see those women on okcupid who say they just want friends, I shouldn’t take it at face value. When I first joined I honestly thought, sweet these girls want to be friends and I can use friends. I would send them a message saying “sweet you have [insert common interest] and I could really use a friend who would do those [platonic] things with me.”

They’d come look at my profile, and never respond. Now I don’t feel as hurt, they’re not rejecting me for friendship but because they might just be looking for a guy to be their friend, and then their boyfriend, and they don’t see me in the latter category. Or maybe they don’t want to be my friend…perish the thought.

What do you think? I tend to not believe in games so when I see : Looking for: Friends, I look to be their friend. And I won’t try to put a move on them, but maybe they can introduce me to a friend or a sister…



*I still can’t understand this and never will. If I want gangly and no breasts, I’ll go hit on some tall nerdy dudes. They might even buy me dinner. Just kidding. But seriously, I am attracted to the things that separate women from men, notably the things that they have that men don’t. I like breasts and curvy butts, and smelling nice and being soft, not having stubble on your face, the feminine qualities.

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5 Responses to It’s not you, wait it’s you…I rethought it…it’s still you.

  1. Z says:

    I’m so over this bullcrap about playing hard to get to get a girl to like you. Asking someone out shouldn’t be like trying to solve a fucking Rubik’s Cube.

    • Learn Game.

      Woman are hard-wired to play games so you must play along. If you refuse to learn Game, you become a beta provider chump and are doomed to be in the FriendZone(tm) with every woman you are attracted to.

    • JJM says:

      /\ Fivers and Amen!

      All a girl (or guy) has to say is “No” or “No thank you” if they aren’t interested. Show a little courage and just be honest! Yikes.

  2. jesika says:

    I thought that your blog rang very true. Being an ex online dater I found the same issues with the opposite sex on plenty of fish. Men saying that they want a relationship but when I have met them they wanted nothing of the sort and instead wanted only to get into my pants. I became so disenchanted that I erased my account and have not really looked back. I think that taking risks in dating is imperative and so necessary but in todays day and age a lot of people are so scared that many opportunities are lost….and hence why we have a large population of angry and bitter single individuals. I am far from throwing in the dating towel but instead have taken a kind of break if you will from it all. Good luck to you, I’m sure you will find what you are looking for in due time.

    • JJM says:

      It’s unfortunate, but my gender has that tendency (including myself on some occasions) due to our libido and other factors. There are guys that are willing to get to know you and wait until you’re ready, but I suppose they’re hard to find.

      I couldn’t have put it better myself when it comes to the epidemic of frustrated and p*ssed-off individuals (I still consider myself one when it comes to dating). All I am looking for is a girl that will go out with me and give me a chance, and if we don’t click, we can go our separate ways. It’s a lot simpler than we make it, isn’t it?

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