With apologies to Paula Cole for pillaging, looting, and burning her song in effigy, I just had about the most awkward date of my life this past weekend.
I’m getting closer and closer to re-naming eHarmony Fat-e-harmony. Of the women I’ve met on eH, not a single one was in shape, and only one had accurate pictures: she wasn’t fat but had a little extra. Does that make me superficial? I guess it does.
But what keeps driving me nuts is the number of women that are lying in their profiles…I guess it’s a big part of the process…but these women are lying with their pictures to an obscene degree. An eHarmony customer service agent talked with me and mentioned that I should ask the women if their pictures are recent. Really? I need to ask them that? I shouldn’t have to, and if I do that they’re not going to be thrilled with me thinking that 1)they’re a liar and 2)that I’m a paranoid asshole. Nice advice.
On to my spectacularly awkward date. I had talked to this woman on eHarmony a few months ago but irritated with the matches and the responses and the scores of liars I canceled my membership.
They lured me back in with a great deal so I signed up again and she started talking to me right away. The issue with her account was that she only had one picture, she was sitting, and she was wearing a jacket. I couldn’t really figure out what her body type was. But I figured, it was worth the risk of an hour long first date.
Eventually she asked me out (welcome change) and wanted to grab coffee. We met up at a local mall and she was very late, about 30 minutes late. She eventually emailed to tell me she was stuck in traffic. So I waited patiently, tweeting the afternoon away and people watching in the food court.
Eventually she showed up outside, looking for me. I’ve been raised to be a gentleman, so there was no way I was going to disappear into the night or give her a lame excuse. She took a long drive to meet with me. But I knew at that very moment, that we weren’t going to go out again. She looked a little like her picture facially, but she weighed about twice my current weight.
There are probably no men who go into a date and when the woman is so different (in a bad way) from how she has represented herself…enjoy the surprise they’ve been given. Surprise, she’s prettier? Still hasn’t happened to me. The most pleasant surprise was a girl from okcupid looking just like her pictures, no joke.
I walked outside and introduced myself to her and we walked around the mall somewhat aimlessly. I didn’t know how to motivate myself, but I suggested we find the coffee stand since the Coffee Bean had closed.
Although she was big I tried to keep an open mind about the situation I found myself in. We talked and it seemed more and more like we had nothing in common. We liked the same types of music, but that’s where it ended. She was geographically-intolerant, even with a GPS she can’t find her way anywhere without “missing the exit about three times.”
And when talking about doing physical activity she blanched like the idea repulsed her. Good, this 29 degrees totally matched us well.
Finally (and for the first time in my life) I ended the date mercifully by saying I needed to do something. We awkwardly hugged and I made no mention of seeing each other again. No need for mixed signals here. I immediately emailed her to tell her that I didn’t feel a connection and didn’t expand upon it. Should I have expanded on it and been truthful? I feel like nothing would have been gained by hurting her feelings by calling her a liar or telling her she was too large for me. So I said nothing. But was it for me to tell her what she was doing wrong? I get what she was trying to do: she wanted a guy like me but she wanted to have me look past her looks. But the way for her to do it? Be completely upfront about who you are and what you look like. You catch more flies with honest fat pictures than with vinegar fake skinny pictures (or vinegar pictures that don’t show the real you)? Something like that anyway. My best female friend puts pictures of herself that aren’t her best but pictures of her doing things she loves to do. To show off her personality.
Lesson learned: no more going out with women with only 1 picture. That’s added to the rulebook.
Where have all the honest cowgirls gone? Off the internet, apparently. Would I have gone out with her if I had known how big she was? I wouldn’t have. I’m a superficial jerk. But I’m at least an honest superficial jerk.