As I write this, now 14 months…two weeks since we last saw each other (yes I am counting) I still have tears welling in my eyes. You came back after a two month separation to get your things and to sign the divorce papers.
We were together over 5 years, and you were the most important person in my life for that time period. You’re still important to me even now, and I know that our relationship has a huge hold over me going forward because you were my first real relationship.
There isn’t a day that goes by when I don’t think about you. Everything reminds me of you-it doesn’t help that you left me with most of our shared possessions. I really should have sold everything and started over but I thought that was stupid and irrational. Well a year later I want to go back and punch that version of myself in the face. I should have sold everything when I had the chance.
Right after you told me you wanted a divorce (on the phone-classy) I moved out of our place. I went home and slept in my old bedroom at my parents, the only room I had no memories of you in. I cried a lot. I don’t care if it’s unmanly to say, I cried like a 12 year old girl who found out unicorns weren’t real.
I thought I might need to leave this city, because we spent so much time here together. I feel like it’s tainted with you. Maybe that’s cruel but so are the things you did to me.
Part of the problem is I’m not busy so all I have to occupy my thoughts is you, us, us not being together anymore.
The worst part of everyday is when I wake up and for a split-second, I wonder why the bed is half empty and then realize you’re not in it. How did I combat the thoughts? I moved to the other side of the bed. To your side. Now when I wake up-instead of looking at your side and instinctively reaching for you, I avoid it.
More than anything I am deathly afraid that you will forget me. We had so many inside jokes, things only we shared.
All the pet names you had for me. The pet names I had for you. That I lost my virginity to you, all the promises we made to each other. How many promises we broke.
How we would make dinner together…and how you loved to eat my food. How you would put your hair down and call it weird beard. How you would make up songs and sing to me-I never appreciated them but I miss them so much now.
We have so many spectacular memories, elefante and Lafawnduh, BU winning the national championship in 2009, our wedding, the moment I proposed to you in your parents’ living room. How you would cry every time we separated when we dated, including sobbing three months before our wedding and sobbing the time you knew you would see me a week later.
Our cross country move, our trips to the zoo, watching Amazing Race. So many memories we’ve had over the years. I’m so afraid you’re forgetting me, that you’ll be able to delete them from your life. That it will be like I never existed, that we never existed.
You don’t speak to me, we have 0 contact, and I wish we could just talk. Then I could get some closure. I opened a bag of old hand towels and they absolutely smelled like you. When will I escape this?